To Restore Law and Order, it’s High Time We Arrest Us Some Rich, White Motherfuckers

And we should start with our former president

In the wake of 2020’s historic public debate over policing, public safety and systemic racism, much has been said about police budgets and brutality, and so I wish to focus on restoring faith and trust in law enforcement. Sadly, this will never happen until we begin enforcing our laws on everyone. I recognize that applying our rule of law, equally to everyone, is a radical proposal. Nevertheless, please consider that the domestic terrorists who recently (and predictably) attacked The United States Capitol — only to be met by an inadequate force — as well as our former president who openly incited their insurrection (without being immediately arrested for orchestrating and then overseeing an attack on our country) have only punctuated the threat posed by extremist whites. We must instill proper respect for law enforcement among all segments of our population, but we shall be doomed to fail so long as our most lawless and affluent whites are not also made to fear meaningful punishment when they break the law. That’s why, in the United States of America, it’s high time we start arresting us some rich, white motherfuckers.

One time-honored example that illuminates our disparity in enforcement along race and class lines is The War on Drugs. First, this would more aptly be called The War on Drugs Used by People of Color, because if you happen to be a White Person Who Went to College, drugs have essentially been legal for some time now. For the sake of argument, let’s imagine that I was a college-educated white who liked to smoke marijuana. And forget modern dispensaries in legal states — suppose I was a college-educated white who wanted to smoke him some marijuana back in 2003, as part of a multi-pronged coping strategy to mitigate the insanity of watching helplessly as a band of rich, white motherfuckers build an obviously bullshit case to invade a country that never attacked us.

You know what I would have done?

Theoretically?

I would have called a guy.

This “guy” would then come to my building, speak to my doorman, and be sent up to my apartment. I’d invite him in and he would present three or four clear, sealed, hard-plastic boxes that look like they belong in a display in the Apple Store. After choosing the box that I thought contained the most marijuana, I would then give this guy fifty bucks and wish him well — no differently than if he worked for UPS — grateful for this safe convenience that would be so unlikely to result in my arrest. Meanwhile, People of Color will be routinely arrested for partaking in our great American pastime of getting baked on your couch.

I’m sorry, what’s that?

Well, to answer your question, People of Color can just call a guy, too. They just need to first be vouched for by a college-educated white. So it’s a bit like asking, Why don’t more People of Color just join country clubs when of course they can. You know, theoretically.

To the larger point, however, this glaring disparity in enforcement along race-and-class lines holds up clear across our legal code — from misdemeanors, to felonies, all the way up to capital crimes. Therefore, in order to best ensure the holistic and comprehensive integrity of our reform, it’s high time we also start killing us some rich, white motherfuckers, too.

Now. Let me first say that I personally oppose the death penalty. I think it’s barbaric, ineffective, and a bitch to clean. It further provides a mere illusion of justice when none could ever be had.

But!

Since the death penalty IS our policy, we should, at long last, ice us a rich, white motherfucker.

Do you realize that we have literally never done that?

And it’s not like rich, white motherfuckers have never committed capital crimes. (I’m looking at you, Robert Durst!) It’s just that when they do, we don’t seem to think that the death penalty is an appropriate punishment for them. Just as we didn’t seem to think that prison would be an appropriate punishment for the bankers who did the 2008 financial crisis.

What’s that?

Yes. Technically, you’re right. There was one guy who went to prison. But he doesn’t count.

Why? I’ll tell you why: He was born in Egypt, he’s got a foreign-sounding name, and he only did two years in one of those college dorm-type prisons where you get to play squash. And in the meantime, the banks have only grown more consolidated. Not only does their more powerful position decrease the likelihood that we’ll ever instill proper respect for law enforcement among superpredator bankers, our unwillingness to prosecute them means that we are destined to live through such a crisis again.

(And wouldn’t that be a great way to come down off this pandemic? I mean, who wants to just rush back in to Normal?)

We must do everything possible to prevent a financial crisis of that magnitude from happening again. This includes arresting scores of rich, white motherfuckers — guys born in this country whose first names sound like last names; captains of lacrosse teams who look like they just came from doing shots at Ricky Schroeder’s house. Then, as a nation, we will have taken our first meaningful step toward restoring the honor and respect that our men and women in law enforcement deserve.

We must restore law and order in the United States of America.

Just as we will never have true Civil Rights until those rights protect everyone, we will never enjoy the full safety and protection of our rule of law until our laws are also brought down upon rich, white motherfuckers. And we should start with Donald Trump.

Despite America’s long, storied history of enabling psychopathic, ungovernable whites, perhaps none have lived a life freer from our rule of law than Donald Trump. Consider, if you will, that motherfucker began violating the Emoluments Clause of our Constitution on Day One, only to then plainly confess to obstruction of justice to Lester Holt. You may have noticed that Trump then proceeded to openly break several other laws with impunity. A special kind of impunity — the impunity of a rich, white motherfucker who KNOWS he’s not likely to get punished. Yes, it’s possible that no longer being shielded by the presidency might land him in prison but this seems unlikely. And that’s because imprisoning Donald Trump will never be in the interest of other rich, white motherfuckers who have themselves quietly lived 100% organic, law enforcement-free lives, and who might fear that they’ll be next — even if Jeffrey Epstein didn’t send over a platter of teenagers.

I hold greater optimism that our laws will be applied to the radicalized white terrorists who invaded the United States Capitol, yet even this properly thrown book would be insufficient, and might further distract us from our most pressing structural problem. For while those terrorists sail right over the “white” and “motherfucker” bars, respectively, they are not, collectively, rich. Nevertheless, let’s acknowledge the real progress made in updating America’s Face of Terror. For while it previously belonged to a brown-skinned foreigner named Ahmed (even though most of our acts of terror have been committed by these violent, extremist whites) America’s Face of Terror now more closely resembles that of Chad in Accounting.

Nevertheless, it’s clear that our government has to do more — much more — to protect us from the ongoing threat of these violent, extremist whites. On a more local level, we all must do our part — while exercising proper safety and caution — to welcome any radicalized whites back into the reality-based fold that still values and upholds American democracy, our Constitution, and our rule of law. Hopefully, some can be reeducated (or perhaps even educated for the first time) with a particular focus on personal responsibility, while further learning to assimilate and become a part of polite, consumerist society where grievance, anger and resentment are appropriately vented and expressed via indignant demands to speak to the manager.

In the meantime, it is of greater importance that we prosecute the shit out of some RICH, white motherfuckers. Doing this will further help bolster America against its next flirtation with Fascism.

Because that shit is SO not over.

For if America were to persist in its ongoing refusal to punish its uppermost caste for the crimes they commit, this will once again leave hapless Democrats vulnerable to having those crimes blamed on them. (Imagine, if you will, a figurative “swamp” that needed to be drained…) Consider that if Barack Obama had actually gone after the rich, white motherfuckers who did the financial crisis, Donald Trump probably wouldn’t have gotten elected in the first place. But so long as we submit to the con of banding together by race instead of by class, we should expect to fend off a relentless, zombie supply of fascist wannabes — guys nowhere near so sloppy, grotesque or disinterested in policy as Donald Trump. And please consider that we just don’t have the time. We literally don’t have the time or the money to ignore Climate Change all by itself — let alone get distracted from combating our other critical problems because we have to fend off yet another rich, white, fascist motherfucker.

As is so often the case with proposals that seem radical at the time — from Social Security, to legalizing Gay Marriage, to putting wheels on suitcases instead of carrying the damn things — they never seem radical in hindsight. They seem like common sense. And so it goes with the equal enforcement of our laws on everyone. But until that proposal no longer seems radical, I have a dream.

I have a dream that one day little Black boys will join hands with little rich, white motherfuckers named Bennett and Cooper and Brock, watching together in equal, traumatized horror as ALL of their fathers’ faces get slammed down on the hood of a car on Cops. And then, on that glorious day, we will ALL be able to join hands and sing:

Arrested at last, arrested at last, thank God Almighty, we finally arrested us some rich, white motherfuckers at last!