Leave the Columbus, Take the Gandolfini
Why it’s Time for Italian-Americans to Upgrade Our Primary Hero
Friends! Romans! (and most especially Italian-American) Countrymen! Lend me your eyeballs! I come here not to cancel Columbus but to UPGRADE him!
But first! Let us properly commemorate the thirtieth anniversary of the Quincentennial of Columbus dropping anchor on The Americas. Back in 1992, I was in college amid the growing chorus to “cancel” Columbus long before that term was — dare I say — discovered. Obviously, this grew out of greater consciousness about Columbus’s body of work, which — to put it mildly — suffers from considerable second-act problems. But what you Columbus-cancellers either don’t understand (or don’t care to hold compassion for) is that some of my people — by which I mean Italian-Americans — can get pretty freaking Yay! for Columbus. And they feel like you’re flat-out ignoring their, well, what YOU might call their lived experience. And they are ready to go to the mattresses for this guy.
As for you, my fellow mattress-going Italian-Americans, I’d like to respectfully ask you to consider — calmly, and just for a moment — the emotional tax we’ve been paying all our lives for claiming this pezzonovante explorer as our primary hero. Because unless you apply the thickest coat of CRT (Columbus Revisionist Theory) there’s just no way to recount that history without ignoring heaping portions of slavery, disease-spreading and genocide. And yes, absolutely, it was a different era. Yes, back then, slavery and subjugation were all the rage. And I realize you might feel like it was just a little genocide here, a little genocide there, after all who among us hasn’t committed a little genocide? But I’m sorry to say that it was A LOT of genocide. Like millions. And leaving that part out would be like describing O. J. Simpson as a Heisman Trophy-winning running back who also starred in The Naked Gun movies. Ask anyone who works in PR and they’ll tell you, right out of the gate, that genocide is never a good look for a cultural hero. That’s why I would like to humbly propose a solution that might allow us to finally transcend all this agita. For if you are going to insist on celebrating the conquests of a territorial psychopath who operates above the law, wouldn’t it be better to celebrate a guy who just played one on TV?
That’s why, on the second Monday in October, we should instead celebrate New Jersey’s own James Gandolfini.
Before I break down how swapping in The Sopranos star allows everyone to win, let’s first reconnect with the original intent of Columbus Day. You may not know that it all began back in 1891 when eleven Italian immigrants, after being acquitted of a crime in a court of law, were then lynched by a mob in New Orleans. That mob then went and showed everyone their tits. That last part didn’t happen but the rest of it is 100 percent true, and if lynching is a hate crime you typically imagine being perpetrated against another group of Americans, it’s worth pointing out that back in 1891, the dominant WASP majority did not consider Italians to be white. (It’s so bizarre to imagine a time when I wouldn’t automatically be considered white, especially as AC/DC has long been one of my favorite bands.) Anyway, the following year, President Benjamin Harrison marked the Quadricentennial with the creation of Columbus Day. Basically, he did this to make Italians feel better, employing Columbus as a central figure to personify the real contributions that immigrants made to America. Nevertheless, olive-skinned, Catholic Italians were still made to stay in their own neighborhood on America’s Pantone Scale of whiteness. Things didn’t get any better for my aggrieved forebears during the 1920s, when the trial of Sacco and Vanzetti — a pair of anarchists most likely fried for a pair of murders they did not commit — further inflamed anti-Italian and anti-immigrant hatred across the country.
As we moved into the middle of the 20th Century, however, some of that hatred began to fall away as Italian-Americans made increasing contributions to American cultural life. Frank Sinatra certainly moved the needle (while also reinforcing some ugly stereotypes) and then no one did more heavy lifting than Joe DiMaggio. No one even came close. Joe D. single-handedly escorted Italian-Americans, for better and for worse, into America’s white country club. And once the dominant WASP establishment trained their xenophobic eyes on Puerto Ricans and other newer arrivals, there just weren’t enough hours in the day for them to continue hating on Italian-Americans like they used to. Not if they wanted to have enough time for tennis. And in the meantime, Columbus Day basically morphed into Italian Pride Day.
I fully support Italian Pride. And I think it’s big of us to also include straight people. Not only that, Italian-Americans have demonstrated a long-standing capacity to celebrate our heritage a lot more deliciously, and with considerably less vomit, than some other ethnic groups that don’t need to be named here now. So let’s keep Italian Pride going. And if you’re an Italian-American who still insists on celebrating Columbus the explorer, can you please at least properly spell his name? Because let me tell you something: There’s no pride in anglicization. His real name is Cristoforo Colombo and maybe we can all first agree that no Italian or Italian-American anywhere should EVER stand for this kind of vowel-shaming, because in the 21st Century that’s just WRONG.
With that out of the way please allow me to now unpack how elevating James Gandolfini as our primary Italian hero would be a real win for us. First up, everyone knows who Tony Soprano is and what he did — as opposed to just knowing the names of the cars he drove. WE ALL KNOW that he could be sexist, racist, and couldn’t have taken his vows to Carmella — a formidable, strong and sexy woman —any less seriously. And while he never committed genocide, he certainly killed enough people, sometimes with his own bare hands. And you know what?
We all love him anyway!
And remember: James Gandolfini wasn’t just another great actor — Tony Soprano is widely considered the greatest TV character of all time. Gandolfini is the GOAT. Il capra. He made TV better for everyone by boldly escorting the antihero back into commercial respectability. Tony Soprano created the space for Don Draper, for Omar Little, for Walter White. And we should all be proud that one of our own paved the way for so much great TV. Not only that, James Gandolfini was further regarded, hands-down, as a kind, terrific, stand-up guy, who — by all accounts — owned very few slaves. In fact, there is no reason to think that the precise number of slaves owned by James Gandolfini would fall anywhere outside the range of zero to five.
But here’s the best part: We gain James Gandolfini without having to actually “cancel” Columbus. Because all we have to do is SAY that we’ll surrender him — but with one necessary and appropriate condition:
We’re not unilaterally de-Columbusing.
Our position…is this: Sure, we’ll give up Columbus — but all a youse gotta give him up, too.
And you know what? That’s never gonna happen.
You really think Columbus, Ohio is gonna change its name to “Sorry, we’re not Cleveland?” Or Columbia, South Carolina? (You may have noticed that most Southern resistance to name changes is rooted in downplaying Slavery. Can we just let them corner the market on that one? Let’s let that be their thing — not our thing.) But do you wanna know why this guy up on 59th Street will forever be a made man? Why they could NEVER really cancel him?
Because then they’d have to change the name of Columbia University.
Forget ’68 — you will see riots like you’ve never seen. You really think all those alumni carrying six figures of debt for the degree they purchased are EVER gonna let the cancellers change the name of their prestigious school to Southwest Harlem University?
My fellow Italians, the best way I can put this is that sometimes in life when you lose, you actually win. And this is one of those times. Because once we make a show of surrendering Columbus, we can then step aside and let those pezzonovante cancellers (just like the dominant WASP majority a hundred years ago) antagonize someone else. Besides, one real problem with the United States right now is that there are just too many people and too many groups (not to mention a certain election-denying president) who don’t just suffer from victim complexes — they’re bathing in them. And playing the victim is just about the worst, most pathetic thing there is. Playing the victim is the undignified province of the immature, the narcissistic, and the weak. And right now there are just too many people who, despite real problems that we need to address, are doing just fine but who — dare I say — “appropriate” the actual misery of people in much tougher circumstances who truly need real help and change.
Let’s instead be compassionate, forward-thinking, and maybe we can set a positive example for the rest of the country. Tony Soprano himself, despite initially naming Columbus a hero, ultimately saw how counterproductive this was, later lashing into Silvio for drowning in Columbus-based Italian victimhood. And I couldn’t agree with later-in-the-episode Tony Soprano more. Because if you look around, you might happen to notice that we’re doing GREAT! People LOVE our culture. They LOVE our food. And EVERYONE has a great time in Italy. When was the last time you heard someone excitedly talking about their upcoming trip to Poland? (Hey Polish people, no disrespect.) Do you realize how many other ethnic groups would trade places with us on the American cultural landscape in a heartbeat? In the name of Italian Pride can’t you see the upside in swapping out genocide for genoa salami? Madonne! Have a cannoli. Have some gabbagool. (I make my own and you should try it!) Pour yourself an anisette and remember that time spent defending Columbus is time not spent celebrating all we’ve contributed to America. It’s a lot to be proud of and we should keep pride in our accomplishments front and center as we look to the future to see what else we can offer at this time when positive contribution has never been more necessary.
While it feels great to be the first to wish you all a Happy James Gandolfini Day!, I do recognize — and genuinely respect — that many of you are going to insist on keeping this guy up on 59th Street chained to our ankle. But can you please at least properly spell his name? In the name of Italian Pride, may none of us EVER be ashamed of our vowels and may we only ever call him by his REAL Italian name:
James Gandolfini.
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